Sheryl the Stalker

[bellastar]

that gives me an excellent idea!!...

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 19: Sheryl Stalks Corey the Party Boy

Stalking the Tarrant boys had obviously been yet another failure. Even when they were both completely wasted and baring a little bit of arse, they could still tell that Sheryl was a crazed lunatic hell bent on molesting the both of them. Although, the fact that Sheryl had that insane look in her cross-eyed eyes could have given it away...

Anyway, Sheryl was surfing YouTube, looking up random videos of squirrels jet-skiing and that weird guy screaming for everyone to leave Britney alone. Sheryl now thought that looking through print media and photos was a crappy way of finding fresh victims to stalk. If she was gonna stalk someone, she had to see some videographic evidence of them from now on so she could watch them closely, intently, enough to feel their pulse beating... To us, that was a rather unsettling fact, but to Sheryl it was the only way she could find a man, considering no man would actually stand within a 900m radius near her!

As Sheryl researched this week’s hottest videos, she couldn’t help but be attracted to one in particular called ‘Fountain Gate Fight.’ Clicking on it, the page opened to two guys fighting, one wearing fluoro yellow and the other in red. As she watched them fight, their mates egging them on, Sheryl could have sworn she had seen one of them before. He looked so familiar. Those white sunnies, that hat, that mop of straw-like, atrocious yellow hair... It was Corey! Australia’s new ‘bad boy’ of the party scene Sheryl remembered the huge party he had thrown recently, because, ironically enough, he lived in the same street as Sheryl! She had tried to get into Corey’s big bash, but was denied entry due to the fact that she was hideous and because she was wearing dirty hessian sacks instead of shoes on her feet. It was just that kind of street, okay?

However, Sheryl, for the convenience of the story, had red in her local paper that Corey was taking his ‘hugely popular’ (pardon the sarcasm) national party tour to Scumtown Stadium and was expecting a huge turnout...in an alternate universe!

Sheryl, like any other stalker with no self-respect or dignity whatsoever, made a note to go to Corey’s party. Wearing her best girdle and ugg boots, she was gonna make sure she made an impression on Corey so she could be his hot new party queen.... in an alternate universe!

******************************

Sheryl went back to Scumtown Stadium, the scene of the crime where she infamously tried to stalk Pete Wentz, then getting trampled on by every Fall Out Boy fan in the stadium.

When she stepped through the double doors of the stadium, Sheryl expected the place to be pumping with phat bass beats, with hundreds of people dancing and screaming, vying for Corey’s attention. But instead, all Sheryl saw was a few balloons, a crappy trundle table with a few cheap snacks on it and what looked like a lowly, pathetic Corey in his trademark sunnies, standing ashamed and all alone in the corner of the stadium. The party had been such a failure, like all the others organised, that Corey was forced to spike his own punch at his own party!

“I thought you said my national party tour would be a hit, but none of my parties have rocked!” whined Corey to his manager, like a little brat.

“Its good, its good, really!” his manager tried to assure him. “Just give it another hour, it’ll go off!”

“No, it won’t!” screeched Corey. “Today Tonight are gonna be pissed when they find out!”

Sheryl decided to make her move. Her bladder slammed against her stomach and growled as she salivated over the obviously ‘hot’ image of Corey in the corner. Her boils then heated up and rose to bursting point under the hot stadium lights as she thought of all the wicked and merciless things she wanted to do to Corey and his trademark grubby fur-trimmed jacket. Sheryl walked closer, grabbing Corey’s attention with her stomping and stamping. He looked positively repulsed as he turned around. “Who the f—k are you?” spat Corey, ever-so charmingly.

“I totally think you’re so hot!” giggled Sheryl, rather immaturely for a 40-something stalker.

“Who let you in?” snapped Corey. “I don’t let fat old chicks into my parties, slag!”

“But I’m no slag, I’m hot!” rebutted Sheryl, offended. Although we all beg to differ... “I just thought we could be hot together, you know...”

Corey laughed rather cruelly at Sheryl’s pathetic suggestion. He couldn’t wait until Today Tonight arrived so they could capture this. “Sorry, bitch, but you and me... Never gonna happen!”

Sheryl was strangely silent. She twitched nervously. A dangerous-looking vein started to throb violently in her neck. And then she snapped. “Ahhhh!!!!!!!111111” Sheryl then grabbed Corey trying to strangle him whilst trying to grab his trademark glasses so she could sell them on Ebay!

Then right on cue, Today Tonight came bursting through the double doors, filming and reporting in their usual mediocre and sleazy manner, capturing more ratings gold!

Sheryl was then thrown into the table of snacks by Corey and Today Tonight, flying through the air majestically... Until she landed right in the punch. Of course.

Everyone, including Corey and his manager, left Scumtown Stadium quickly, leaving Sheryl with a massive clean-up on her hands. That, and the destruction bill that would cost her millions.

Sheryl learned yet another lesson in her misadventures of stalking at that very moment (but not quite an epiphany, mind you). That lesson? Never stalk a guy who isn’t able to see how obviously gorgeous you were in front of his obscenely huge sunglasses.

[mel_kay39]

LMAO... Poor Sheryl. She needs to hit on someone who can't see her!

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 20: Sheryl... is Stalked!

Sheryl was melancholy. She thought the time had come, the realisation, the epiphany that, alas, sh was never gonna find anyone to stalk, no one to lust after, to watch through their windows, to send them love letters written in her own blood... She guessed it was time to quit her stalking ways and, ‘gasp!’, rejoin regular society as a normal, average, everyday person!

But then... ’Beep! Beep!’

Sheryl grabbed hr tacky, diamante-studded phone she got from The Reject Shop and opened her inbox. The message read:

’I’ve watched you from afar. I think you are the most perfect woman for me. No one else compares. Meet me down at the Spooky Woods for a romantic evening you’ll never forget...’

What was that sensation Sheryl was feeling? It wasn’t her bladder growling, her hives bursting nor the hair standing up on her back. Her heart was thumping like a cat repeatedly swung against a fence. It was rapid. Sheryl was...in love! She was human after all!

Who was the mystery suitor? Where had he seen her? Was he famous? Who cares, a guy actually liked Sheryl for once instead of running in fear! She had to get going before she missed him, to satisfy her curiousity and finally be in love, no more futile attempts at stalking!

Onward to Sheryl’s saving grace!...

****************************

As Sheryl walked over millions of twigs and rocks towards her true love in the Spooky Woods, her mind was working overtime- who was this man? One question Sheryl hadn’t bothered to considered, though, unlike the rest of us, was why he was in love with the infamous Sheryl? Sheryl apparently already knew the answer: ‘cos she thought she was an absolute hottie and a great catch! Duh Who wouldn’t wanna be with Sheryl?

Well, Sheryl already knew about 20 others she had recently stalked throughout the season that didn’t wanna be with her. But it was their loss. They were very much in her insanity-filled past and the mystery man very much in her glorious future! Sheryl had so much to prepare for: the wedding, the first child, her impending TV career on Home and Away taking Sally’s place, her 1st Gold Logie...

Sheryl had just entered the Spooky Woods. She saw a guy standing alone under an umbrella tree, wearing a pair of jeans and one of those American high school football jackets with the long coloured sleeves and the team colours, with the school initials embroided on the front. Where did he get his fashion tips, 1984 perhaps?

He turned around. “Sheryl?”

Sheryl was beaming! “Yes, that’s me! OMG, I’ve been stalking my way to this moment for, like, ever!”

But a she was about to embrace her new love and grope him senseless, he put his arm out to stop her. “Sheryl, there’s something I have to tell you first,” he spoke, ever-so softly. “I’m... not like other guys.”

“Its okay,” sympathised Sheryl. “I know you’ve never had the experience of being with a woman like me before because I’m so amazing and dynamic. But that’s okay, maybe you will be almost as great as I am, you’ll keep up..”

“Actually, I was talking about me. I have... a dark secret. Something very painful. But I know you’ll understand. We’re practically one in the same...”

He then looked up at the full moon rising, and then bowed his head. Suddenly, he started to shake violently, convulsing and screaming a deathly scream, like he was in pain...

...And then it dawned on her. Sheryl had seen all this happen before. It was just way too familiar. The darkness, the full moon... How did it all go again? ’...Darkness falls across the land... The midnight hour is close at hand...’

Oh God... Sheryl was trapped in the Thriller video! And she was being stalked by Michael Jackson! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!11111

Just then, Michael transformed into the monster he truly was... No, not the werewolf like in the actual video, but his true form today- the weird, pale-skinned skeletor with way too much plastic surgery and a nose ready to fall off. And don’t forget the disturbing fascination with young boys...

“No! No!” screeched Sheryl.

“Love me!” screamed Michael, as his transformation was complete.

Sheryl ran directionless and petrified into the forest, just beyond desperate to get away. And usually it was her who did the chasing!

What would happen next? Would Sheryl learn her lesson? Would she finally get her comeuppance and a taste of her own medicine?

Well, you’ll just have to find out in Season 2! Yes, ‘tis the end of Season 1! 

[mel_kay39]

OMG... Stalked by Michael Jackson! That's a horror movie all by itself. God what that guy has done to his face would give a plastic surgeon nightmares! Great ep, Bella - and the one about Chris and Robbie Tarrant cracked me up too. Just read it again after a long while. Favourite line? "Chris was repulsed, petrified, slightly turned on, but mostly scared".
As for Corey the party boy - brilliant ep, but I always thought his sunnies were yellow? As if Big Brother wasn't low brow enough without his arse in it!

[bellastar]

I am back! Studying for my test is over- celebrate, bitches!

Season 2:

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 21: Sheryl... is Stalked, Part 2- ‘Cos This is Thriller!!!!

Sheryl was still running aimlessly from where we last left her. Things had changed horrifically. From what had first began as a meeting in the middle of the spooky woods in torn pantyhose and a plastic tiara had now grown into a race against time. Sheryl had somehow transported herself to the 80s and found herself trapped within the ‘Thriller’ video! Has she been sucked into some kind of vortex? Hitched a ride on a time machine? Spent a few hundred dollars on Uncle Kev’s mega expensive alcopops?

Anyway, Sheryl could feel Michael gaining on her slowly, but surely. Which is kinda weird, considering he was now a skinny, non-athletic, little ‘white’ twig. Michael was now the one stalking Sheryl. Comeuppance, much?

“Sheryl, love me!” Michael screamed, in his eerie, sing-song voice, getting ready to pucker up!

“God, even I’m not going there!” yelled Sheryl. “And I’m Sheryl the f—king Stalker!”

That only made Michael even more furious. “Then you leave me no choice,’ he breathed back, in a calm, but deathly voice.

Suddenly, with full CGI-cinematic effects and millions of dollars blown, especially for the 80s, corpses, hundreds upon ridiculous hundreds, rose from their graves, the living dead. Moaning and groaning like a Wayne Carey hooker on A Current Affair, zombies started to follow on Michael’s command and soon they, too, were after Sheryl!

Sheryl’s fatter-than-humanly-possible fat legs were ready to give out. In order to save herself, she had to desperately remember how this bloody video ended or else she was gonna be the Bride of Franken-Jackson instead!

What happened next? The girl went into some spooky old house, didn’t she? Right on cue and convenience, a spooky house appeared right before Sheryl, very apt next to the spooky forest, indeed.

Sheryl quickly swung open the door of the spooky house and locked it as tightly as she possibly could with two pieces of string, some twine, a teabag and a Kamahl CD. How Macgyver of her.

Sheryl ran upstairs, which had trouble supporting her huge legs, then ran into a random bedroom, dilapidated and dusty all over. Sheryl calmed down for a moment and took a few deep, heaving breaths. It didn’t help when Sheryl was a 15-pack a day Winnie Blues smoker!

And just as the calm before the storm settled in, Sheryl heard a familiar moaning at the window. And at the door. And downstairs, too. She could vaguely make out what was being said...’Sheryl...Sheryl...Come out, come out, wherever you are...’

Her heart started to race just a little bit faster. Then...the windows smashed open, the door broken and splintered, a stampede of footsteps following. The zombies had returned! And right in front was Michael! “I found you!” he screeched, coming closer.

Sheryl screamed and found herself trapped. She had been caught and now she had no choice. She could not remember what happened at the end of the video and, therefore, was to meet the same fate as both Lisa Marie Presley and Debbie Rowe. Oh well, it might not be so bad being with Michael: she might be able to bring the Jackson Five back together and maybe even find Bubbles again.

Michael came closer and closer, his lips ready to touch hers and claim Sheryl as his own. “Love me...” he whispered (God, I feel dirty after writing that!)...And then...And then...

“Ahhhhhh!!!!!1111” Sheryl woke up in a cold sweat, panting heavily and shaking. What a nightmare that had been! (Tricked you all!!!!! )

Sheryl took a moment to calm down and had no choice but to laugh at her silly dream. Michael Jackson stalking her? Even she wasn’t gonna go there! Sheryl sighed to herself and quickly fell back into a deep slumber, ready to awake to a new day of stalking some real hotties more worthy of her charms!

And as Sheryl slept, there was a howling over near the spooky forest, the moon full and bright. The figure in the distance looked over in the direction of Sheryl’s bumpkin shack. They paused, then quickly sped off into the night, whispering a deathly whisper in the wind: ’love me...’

[mel_kay39]

Brilliant mate! A gold star for effort! Especially love the reference to Winnie Blues! Are they the smoke of choice for bogans, or what?! Probably because they're cheaper than most...
And the McGyver part - hilarious. Poor Sheryl. But was it a dream, or was it not?! (I think I'd have to have therapy after a doozy like that).

[bellastar]

lovin' the gippsland pride in your signature, ash

[mel_kay39]

my bf's aunty lives there (Gippsland). Haven't been there for years tho. Should prolly take a drive down there sometime.

[Magpie Girl]

I've been there before, love it!
Have family there!

[bellastar]

I used to live in East Gippsland.

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 22: Sheryl Stalks John Mayer

After the nightmare that was ‘Thriller,’ Sheryl was now back in the real world. Well, not our version of the real world, but Sheryl’s version, where up was down, black was white, and Vanilla Ice was still big in the music scene.

Already, Sheryl was having withdrawals. She hadn’t stalked anyone for the past 15 minutes now, so she better get cracking. It was the longest she had ever gone without stalking anyone!

And so, she pulled out her latest copies of New Weakly, Bad Idea and Not-So-Ordinary Woman’s Day. While she was expecting the same old shit about Brangelina, TomKat and yet another double-spread on Wayne Carey’s many array of hookers, all Sheryl seemed to be reading about on every bloody page was about one couple in particular- she a former TV actress and he a formerly talented musician that this author used to actually be a huge fan of in her teen years. But then he suddenly decided to become a total knob and shag anything that moved, and therefore, this author lost interest and instead became interested in better music like Fall Out Boy, Panic and My Chem (And now you know how I became a fan!)

So, in case you don’t read the rags, this couple in particular were Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Gross, I know. For some unknown reason, Sheryl found herself strangely attracted to John. There was something about the smarmy look upon his face and oily hair (eww), his rather aloof demeanour. Such a turn on. Right on cue, Sheryl’s boil began to react and her bladder growling like Gordon Ramsay, hives flaring, heart raring.

Ironically enough, Sheryl continued to read the rest of the article and found that John was actually going to be ‘auditioning’ ladies to be in his latest music video (When was the last time he even released a bloody single?! All I ever see him do now is be a manwhore!)

So it was settled. Sheryl was going on her next stalking mission that would ensure that her body would truly be John’s wonderland (‘barf!’)

******************************

Sheryl arrived in at the video shoot in record time, dressed in her best with fake pearls bought at the Reject Shop, a boob tube and a pair of brown leg warmers.

The girls lined up at the door were all of the same variety- long legs, big boobs, tanned, long, beautiful hair and full of incessant giggling. Why they would waste their time with a knob like John is anyone’s guess. Conveniently enough, Jennifer was absent from the shoot...

“Out of my way, hottie coming through!” bellowed Sheryl in her scratching-your-fingernails-down-the-blackboard voice, pushing and shoving her fat-arse frame to the head of the line like a true rugby player, sending pretty, fragile models flying in all directions like skinny missiles.

Sheryl confidently walked through the doors of the grand hall and found John sitting with his homies in the corner, totally hitting it up ghetto nowadays. He was looking a few girls up and down in anrather lascivious manner, licking his lips and wiggling his eyebrows. “I’ll see you in the callback,” he drawled, smiling. “Just go wait out back with the others in the next room.” The girl obliged and walked out back.

Now was Sheryl’s time to make her move. She strutted over and dug a wedgie out of her arse as she tried to get John’s attention. “Yoo hoo!” purred Sheryl, the hair on the back of her arms standing on end in excitement. “I’m here for the audition...”

John’s eyes widened. His mouth was agape and he shivered slightly. “Who...Who are you?” he stuttered, looking Sheryl up and down.

“Me name’s Sheryl,” she spat. “I’m here to play your hot lover in this here video.”

John paused for a moment. The rest of his posse turned away from Sheryl in disgust, talking amongst themselves about how gross and Britney-like she was. John then began gagging and dry-retching at the sight of Sheryl, with his concerned posse trying to calm him down.

“What’s wrong with you?!” snapped Sheryl, annoyed. “Can I be in your video or what?!”

John composed himself and sat back down, but he was still rather shaken. “You will never, ever be in my video!” he proclaimed. “You will never be in any of my videos! I mean, come on, you’re totally not even hit enough! You remind me of Jabba the Hutt, for f—k’s sake!”

Sheryl was strangely silent. Her nostrils flared like Phar Lap’s, and even began kicking her leg on the floor like a horse. Then, with none of Phar Lap’s charm or grace whatsoever, she pounced on John and began to choke him with one of her leg warmers! “I want you to love me!” she screamed, as John began to turn blue. “I’m better than that slut Jennifer anyday! Be my manwhore!!!!!!1111”

John’s posse tried to tear Sheryl off John, but she merely threw them across the room with her amazing strength, flying into tactically-placed Ming vases and majorly-expensive cabinets full of Faberge eggs and China plates. Like all that stuff was necessary.

Finally, right on cue, Jennifer Aniston walked into the room to see how her Johnny-Bear was going. Instead, she was welcomed to the sight of Jabba the Hut-a-like Sheryl performing some disturbing act of auto-erotic asphyxiation on John, whose head looked like it was about to explode, and not just because of his inflated ego, either.

“What are you doing?!” Jennifer screamed. “Don’t kill him! If you do, I’ll have to find yet another boyfriend! I don’t wanna be alone!”

After that long-winded tirade, Jennifer, with her quick-thinking, stabbed Sheryl with one of her mega-expensive Manolo Blahnik shoes and watched as Sheryl deflated like a cheap, badly-dressed balloon, flying left to right and all over the room.

Jennifer kneeled down next to John, who was gasping for air. “Oh, honey, are you okay?” she soothed. “Who was that psycho, she could’ve killed you?!”

“It was awful!” he panted. “I was just ever-so innocently talking to all of these beautiful models that I was in no way sexually attracted to because they were all lesbians about physics and the theory of relativity, when this fat psycho came in and just started choking me for no apparent reason at all! I swear!”

As John got up off the ground and Jennifer ate up yet another gullible lie of his, Sheryl sat deflated on the grand hall floor. Of course, she would be back next time in yet another tortuous adventure of stalking, but she had to admit to herself, as deluded as she was, that John most definitely did not think that her body was indeed a wonderland.

[mel_kay39]

LMAO is it just me, or has Aniston slept with most of Hollywood too? Hey, Sheryl should stalk the Madden boys from Good Charlotte. i'd like to see her in a bitchfight with Paris and Nicole!

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 23: Sheryl Revisits a Former Stalking Conquest, Part 1: He’s Gonna Do What The Others Didn’t Do: Fight Back! 

Sheryl’s pride had been torn to shreds by John Mayer’s failed asphyxiation by one of her leg warmers, and because he also found her very, very gross. Very gross.

Sheryl had a good deep and meaningful to herself that morning that maybe she had missed her chance with one of the many people she had stalked, that the spark had been there already, but had not acted upon this chemistry (Although that spark could possibly have been a birthday candle instead of a roaring flame, if I do say so myself).

Maybe she should try again with one of her many conquests. But who? Kevin Rudd had now increased security at Parliament House, so that was a big fat no-no. Snoop Dogg now had a whole harem of bitches to contend with, Pete Doherty was shooting up with Amy Winehouse, Matt Corby had faded back into obscurity, Gerard Way was fictitiously married to Mel, Dale Thomas had gone into therapy because of Sheryl; and Pete Wentz had gotten Ashlee Simpson up the bloody duff! So who the f—k was left?! 

To soothe her troubled mind, Sheryl put on the radio. ’And now, be the 5th caller to get tickets to our surprise concert of the month! All you have to do is tell us what is the name of Usher’s favourite clothing label. Call now!

Calculating went to call. Sheryl got through to the station. “I know the answer!” she screeched excitedly. “Is it Best and Less?”

A pause. “Sheryl.....You have...WON! Congratulations!”

Sheryl began screaming like Mariah Carey, jumping around the room and making the foundations shake with her big fat arse, with the floor beginning to fall through. Sheryl couldn’t wait for tonight’s concert, and, of course, was eager with anticipation and curiousity as to who was playing. Hopefully it would some hot new act in today’s music scene, like Vanilla Ice or Wham! (Sheryl didn’t really keep up to date with her CD collection much).

Onward and upward, Sheryl prepared for the show, dressing in her best soiled rags, along with a pair of Dame Edna-esque glasses, ripped pantyhose and a garish green shirt with tassels on the end that read ‘I Went To The 20/20 Summit And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt’ on the front. After dressing in a fashion that would most possibly have her arrested for indecent exposure and crimes against fashion, Sheryl was ready to go!...

**********************************

Sheryl arrived at Scumtown Stadium, which had been the scene from a couple of prior incidents in her stalking crusade, most notably where she stalked both Corey the Party Boy and Pete Wentz back in Season One (Good times!)

Sheryl’s curiousity was starting to get the better of her. She knew so because whenever it did her hives would start burning and glowing in the dark! She had to find out who the mystery act was gonna be playing tonight. Like so many, many times before, she had to sneak backstage.

She saw the security talking amongst themselves at the side of the stage. She had to distract them somehow. Sheryl walked over to the security guards, who began gagging as soon as they saw her. “Hey , I just saw a squirrel outside” she lied. “It had two tails! Maybe you should go outside and have a look or something?”

“Sorry, not falling for it,” murmured Security Guard, No. 1, turning away.

“Um...Would you believe...a monkey smoking a cigar?”

“No. Now please leave,’ said Security Guard No.2

“What about a breakdancing robot that’s caught on fire at the front of the stadium?” said Sheryl, now clutching at straws.

The security guards looked at one another. “Oh boy! We gotta go see that!” exclaimed Security Guard No. 1. They then both raced outside to go see the ‘breakdancing robot.’

Sheryl couldn’t believe the plan had actually worked, with the most stupid idea possible. She then walked breezily backstage with a skip in a step at her success.

She then found the dressing room. Sheryl was about to find out who the mystery musical act was any moment now. Just one twist of the knob and there would appear her answer. I could easily go on and on, just to keep the suspense going and drag this on just to piss you readers off out there...But am I really that cruel?  Okay, lets keep going then...

Anyway, Sheryl took a deep breath and opened the door. And sitting on the leather couch in the corner strumming a guitar a playing a few chords was...Brendon from Panic At The Disco? Again? What?

“Oh my God! Its you! You, from the strip club! Get away from me, heathen!” he screamed.

Brendon’s bandmates looked on in confusion as he bounced off the walls in horror, then curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth, traumatised.

Sheryl couldn’t believe it. Recollections of her night at the strip club when she gave Brendon a lapdance, where her mask fell off and her true, nay, ugly identity was revealed came flooding back. God, she didn’t even get a hello from him! How rude! Why was he even acting like that for?

“I’ve been in therapy because of you!” cried Brendon. “The nightmares, the horrible daydreams, they never end!”

“But I didn’t even know you were here!” argued Sheryl. “I just won tickets to a surprise concert and just got here. I thought you still loved me!”

“”She isn’t serious, is she?” Ryan chimed in. “You actually let her touch you?”

“Did you get vaccinated afterwards?” added Spencer.

“Hey, its not like I have rabies or anything!” snapped Sheryl.

Everyone else in the room begged to differ.

“Just get out. Leave. F—k of already,” sighed Brendon.
Crushed, Sheryl walked away, dragging her feet, which just tore up her too-long pantyhose even more. It was certainly strange indeed- she wasn’t screaming or twitching or foaming at the mouth like she usually did when she was rejected by someone. She wasn’t even pouncing on them, or choking them when they refused her affections. But she did those things only because she loved them very much. Sheryl actually seemed to be truly, genuinely hurt. I guess she had a heart after all. I didn’t even know that and she’s my own bloody creation!

Sheryl slunk back to her car and hopped on, reassessing what she was gonna do next. Should she keep stalking? Was it even worth it anymore? I mean, how many people do you have to choke before you can get them to love you?

Sheryl was about to turn on the ignition, when... “Sheryl! Sheryl, wait!”

Sheryl turned around and, lo and shockingly behold, racing up towards her was... Brendon?

“Sheryl, I am so sorry for the way I treated you back there,” he puffed. “That was really uncalled for and I cannot apologise enough. I was just a little shocked to see you again.”

“Well, I’m going now, so you don’t have to worry anymore,” spat Sheryl.

“Look, I’m just very confused, Sheryl. Ever since you try to give me a lapdance and the club got raided, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking. I have no idea what’s happening to me, but I have to admit it to myself sometime and I guess this is the moment.”

“What do you mean?” cried Sheryl, who was just eager to get home so she could ease her pain with 10 jars of pickled onions, a whole salami and the box set of My Name is Earl (because she could totally relate, what with the whole redneck-living-in-the-trailer-park lifestyle and all. Plus, she watched it to get style tips).

“Sheryl, I...I...”stuttered Brendon, nervously running his fingers through his hair. “I...I think I’m in love with you...”

What The F—k??????!!!!!!!!!!! 11111111

[bellastar]

Look, you have to trust me, I'm going somewhere with this...