|
|
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
Author |
Message |
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
Which part, the sexworker coming up or the barman chasing them away? _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
think positive
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005 Location: somewhere
|
Post subject: | |
|
stui magpie wrote: | So I was sitting at a bar recently when a gorgeous young woman came up, sat down and started chatting to me.
While we were chatting, the bartender came up and said to the young woman, "Hey, I'm sorry but we don't allow Sex Workers to solicit customers in here"
As the gorgeous young woman left, I turned to the bartender and said "How the hell could you know she was a sex worker?"
He replied, "Well, she was talking to you"
|
sorry Stu i laughed way to hard at that one!! _________________ You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
^
That was the general plan, _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
eddiesmith
Lets get ready to Rumble
Joined: 23 Nov 2004 Location: Lexus Centre
|
Post subject: | |
|
Saw this one on Facebook.
An Irish man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly.
The Undertaker said "It will cost £5,000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here"
The husband tells him to ship her home.
The Undertaker said "But Sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?"
The husband says "Listen here pal, a long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead - she's going $$%^%%$ home!" |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said.
“You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”. _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
think positive
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005 Location: somewhere
|
Post subject: | |
|
hehehe! _________________ You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
Warning-Rant.
For Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding. _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
A brunette girl goes to see a doctor.
The doctor asks "what's the problem?"
The brunette says "I am not sure doctor but my whole body aches. Every part of my body that I touch results in pain"
The doctor says "That's interesting. Can you touch your nose for me"
The brunette touches her nose and then screams out in agony.
The doctor says "Can you now touch your knee"
The brunette touches her knee and lets out a huge shriek.
The doctor then says "ok finally can you touch your stomach"
The brunette touches her stomach and cries out in huge pain.
The doctor looks at the woman and says "Your not naturally a brunette are you. Your really a blonde right?"
The girl says "Yes, how did you know?"
The doctor says "Because you have got a broken finger" _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Young couple get married many years ago.
The wedding night, the groom is very timid.
"I've not done this before, what do I do?" He said nervously.
"No worries, just give me $20 and leave it all to me" she replies confidently.
Well over many years, each time he hands her the cash, before the business, because no money no honey.
Many years later, the old couple are driving.
The old groom says "I'm a bit worried about our impending retirement."
"Don't worry honey, we have plenty.... let me show you" the old lady says.
She takes him on the drive and shows him a block of flats, a few apartments and a factory.
"They're all ours, we have all this rental income coming in now" she squeals in delight.
"But how, what, why, how did this all happen, I thought we used all our salary to ensure our mortgage was fully paid off?"
"Honey, honey, all these years, every time you got amorous, every time you'd give me $20, and then the price went up it became $50, then $100, every time I'd put it aside and buy property."
The husband gasped in shock
"Oh dear me, if I only knew.... that you were so good with money, I'd have given you all my business." _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks… ‘No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where's my toast?' _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
In breaking news, the English Cricket Board has appointed Novax Djokovic as their new batting coach.
In a statement released today, they acknowledged that he has no experience in the sport but selected him on the basis that it took Australia 2 weeks to get him out. _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
Dark Beanie
Joined: 06 Feb 2004 Location: A galaxy far, far away.
|
Post subject: | |
|
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Newcastle and Wyong, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will have sex with him.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k him'. _________________ If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
Very very good _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
think positive
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005 Location: somewhere
|
Post subject: | |
|
Hehehehe _________________ You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
|
|
|
|
stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005 Location: In flagrante delicto
|
Post subject: | |
|
Bill's daily groaner, courtesy of MMM.
2 young boys were at a wedding. One boy whispered to the other, "how many wives are you allowed to have?"
The second boy whispered back, "16"
"Really?" said the first boy, "how does that work?"
"Easy" said the second boy.
4 richer
4 poorer
4 better
4 worse _________________ Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum You cannot attach files in this forum You cannot download files in this forum
|
|