Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

I put a map of the world on the wall, gave my wife a dart and told her where ever the dart lands, I'll take her on a holiday. Seems we're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

When I was young, I had no money, but after years and years of hard work, I'm no longer young.

Apparently 30% of pet owners let their pet sleep in the bed with them. I tried it once, my goldfish died.

I just invented the worlds first thought controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.

My wife said sex is much better on holidays. I wasn't expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece.

[Culprit]

What has two wings and an arrow? A Chinese telephone. “wing wing arrow”.

Found my first grey pubic hair today. Not normally fussed about this but it was in my bacon and egg toastie.

I hate in when Doctors ask you questions like “Are you sexually active”?. Depends on what you mean by “active”. There’s plenty of active volcanos that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.

[David]

Apparently 30% of pet owners let their pet sleep in the bed with them. I tried it once, my goldfish died.

I just invented the worlds first thought controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.

My wife said sex is much better on holidays. I wasn't expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece.

Found my first grey pubic hair today. Not normally fussed about this but it was in my bacon and egg toastie.

Laughed at all of these

[stui magpie]

One from Billy.

Paddy was in an accident, very badly burned and died. His body was taken to the morgue and the mortician, needing to have someone identify the body, called in Paddy's two close mates, Seamus and Sean.

They arrived together and the mortician took Seamus in first and pulled back the sheet on the body. Geezus said Seamus, he's been burned all right, can you turn him over? The mortician was surprised but rolled the body over. Seamus quickly said, Ahh, that's not Paddy.

The mortician was surprised and confused but she called in Sean next, and pulled back the sheet. Sean also said, Geez, he's been burned all right, can you turn him over? Again the mortician ro9lled the body over and again, Sean this time instantly said, That's not Paddy.

By now the mortician was exasperated so she asked Sean, how they could tell it wasn't Paddy by looking at his back.

"Paddy had 2 arseholes" said Sean. Every time we went to the Pub together, as we walked in people would say "Here comes Paddy with the 2 arseholes"

[Culprit]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[Culprit]

Teacher. “what comes after 69?” Student, “mouth wash”. Teacher, “get out”.

The Mrs asked me if her appendix scar looked unattractive. Apparently, “Don’t worry babe, your breasts cover it” was the wrong answer.

[Culprit]

Johnny came to class with a black eye. The teacher was concerned and asked, “How did you get that black eye?”. Johnny replies, “Our house is really small and I sleep in the same bed as Mum and Dad and last night Dad asked if I was awake? I replied yes and he whacked me”. The teacher said, “ok next time he asks lay still and be quiet”. The next day Johnny comes in with two black eyes. The teacher distressed asks, “What happened?”. Johnny says, “Well I did what you said when Dad asked if I was awake and I kept quiet and still. Then Mum and Dad were moving and getting faster and faster and the breathing was deep Mum was moaning and Mum asked if Dad was coming, he said yes I’m coming, are you? They never go out without me and I yelled OK I’m coming too”.

[stui magpie]

^

LOL

[Culprit]

A man and woman are sitting on their deck drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you". The Woman responds, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?". The man says, "That's me talking to the beer".

[Magpietothemax]

Johnny came to class with a black eye. The teacher was concerned and asked, “How did you get that black eye?”. Johnny replies, “Our house is really small and I sleep in the same bed as Mum and Dad and last night Dad asked if I was awake? I replied yes and he whacked me”. The teacher said, “ok next time he asks lay still and be quiet”. The next day Johnny comes in with two black eyes. The teacher distressed asks, “What happened?”. Johnny says, “Well I did what you said when Dad asked if I was awake and I kept quiet and still. Then Mum and Dad were moving and getting faster and faster and the breathing was deep Mum was moaning and Mum asked if Dad was coming, he said yes I’m coming, are you? They never go out without me and I yelled OK I’m coming too”.

Horrible joke.
Fail to see how anyone could find this funny.
How can you find humour in child abuse?

[Culprit]

A man walks into the Library and asks the Librarian, "Do you have the book about men with small penises". She starts typing into her computer and looks at him and says, "I don't think it's in yet". He responds, "Yeah that's the one".

I went to the pool today and decided to pee at the deep end. Fck me, the lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

Dad came home one day and said to me, “If you keep masturbating you’ll go blind”. I said, “Dad, I’m over here”.

My Daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo. I replied He was a Poor Boy from a Poor Family.

What's the difference between a Priest and Woody from Toy Story? Woody goes limp when a child walks into the room.

[think positive]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse!

[Culprit]

^^Ha ha

[stui magpie]

@TP, LOL.

[Culprit]

I let my blind mate borrow some money from me yesterday. He said he’d pay me back the next time he saw me. Wait a minute.

I asked my trainer at the Gym, "Which machine should I use to impress beautiful women?", He pointed outside and said, "The ATM".

I rear-ended a car this morning and that was the start of a really bad day. The driver of the other car got out and he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy". So I said, well which one are you then?". That's how the fight started.

Sorry, I haven't been to work this week as I overheard the next-door neighbours arguing. Apparently, he cheated on his wife and said she was going to screw all the neighbours to shame him. I am just waiting for my turn.

I’m not saying I’m overeating but I’m starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

My Mrs texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, "Does this make my arse look big?" I texted back "NOO!" My phone autocorrected my response to "MOO!" Please send help!