Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

Dale61 · Post by **Dale61** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:30 am

Each day, little Jimmy would pretend to have a different job.

One day, his mother spotted him at the top of the stairs. He had his packet of tic-tacs in one hand, the pet cat in the other. As his mother watched, he would put a tic-tac in his mouth, lick the cat, and then move down a step.

This went on until he got to the bottom, where his mother asked 'What are you today, Jimmy?'

'I a truck driver' said Jimmy.

'What do you mean you're a truck driver?'

'Well, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and movin' on down.'

Dale61 · Post by **Dale61** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:35 am

Little Jimmy was in class, when the teacher asked the children to say a leter of the alphabet, followed by a word beginning with that letter.

Little Jenny put her hand up and said 'A, is for apple'.

'Very good' said the teacher.

Little Billy put his hand up and said 'B, is for ball'.

This went on throughout the class until the letter U.

There was not much coming from the kids at this point, until Little Jimmy put his hand up. 'U, is for urinate', said Jimmy.

'Now Jimmy, that's not very nice, but can you give me a sentence with that word in it?'

'Sure Miss', said Jimmy. 'Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!'.

Mountains Magpie · Post by **Mountains Magpie** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 12:42 pm

Back in the 1970s there was a junior Australian cricket team on tour in Pakistan.

Back in those days there wasn't a whole lot to do in Pakistan when there was no cricket match to be played. It was suggested that the players might like to try skydiving.

Up in the plane and the captain of the cricket side is listening to the instructor.

"Count to ten and pull the rip cord. The parachute will open and you will land safely."

As quick as a flash the Aussie lad says "What happens if the parachute doesn't open ?"

"Count to ten again and pull the auxiliary rip cord. The auxiliary parachute will open and you will land safely."

Being a bit of a larrikin our junior cricket captain says "And what happens if the auxiliary parachute doesn't open ?"

This befuddles the Pakistani instructor who thinks for a few moments and then says "Count to ten a third time and pray to Allah. Allah will save you."

So after the next cricket match our intrepid captain goes for his first jump. He leaps out of the plane, counts to ten, looks up and sure enough, there's no parachute.

Remembering his instructions, he counts to ten again, pulls the auxiliary rip cord, looks up and you guessed it, no auxiliary rip cord.

Thinking he's doomed, he counts to ten a third time and begins to pray. "ALLAH SAVE ME !!!" He hurtles towards the ground, gets six feet from certain death and this HUGE brown hand rises from the ground, catches our Aussie hero, saving his life.

He walks off the hand and says "Thank Christ for that".

Then a HUGE brown foot comes out of the ground....................

HAL · Post by **HAL** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 12:45 pm

one, two, three, four, five,. . .

BJ · Post by BJ » Fri Mar 13, 2009 11:03 am

Post by **stui magpie** » Fri Mar 13, 2009 5:27 pm

Every friday at 5:30, a bloke walks into a bar, sits on a stool and orders a scotch and a beer. The bar is a bit of a dive, doesn't get a lot of customers so the barman knows this guy and his routine very well.

After the first shot and beer is down, he orders another, then another. After the third, he religiously takes out his wallet, opens it and looks inside usually he orders another round, then after each round, repeats the behaviour of looking into his wallet before ordering another round.

Each time, at different points in the evening, eventually he'll smile when he looks into the wallet, and then stand up and leave.

The barman has tried previously to engage this guy in conversation to no avail, but it's driving him nuts wondering about this guys routine, so he decides to be upfront.

Next Friday, the guy comes in and after 4 rounds, he takes out the wallet.

the Barman is right there waiting, and says,"excuse me, I'm sorry but I'm really curious. You've been coming here for ages and every time, you have a few drinks, then look in your wallet before each round until eventually you smile when you look in, and leave. What's the deal, do you have a set amount of money to spend or something?"

The other man sighs, opens his wallet and turns it toward the barman.

"It's simple", he says. "That's a photo of my wife, when she starts to look good I know I've had enough and it's time to go home"

Post by **stui magpie** » Fri Mar 13, 2009 5:37 pm

2 blokes are drinking in a bar and it's getting late.

The first bloke says, "Mate, we're gonna have to stop doing this. Every time we catch up for a drink I get in the shit off the wife when I get home. I turn the engine off in the car two blocks away and coast so she can't hear the car coming in the driveway, take my shoes off outside, sneak in and tiptoe into the bathroom, get undressed and tiptoe into bed, all as quiet as a mouse. Every bloddy time, as soon as I go to get into the bed, she sits up, turns on the light and starts screaming and yelling at me until I can't take anymore and go and sleep on the couch. It's just not worth it."

His mate says, "you're doing it all wrong mate, you should do what I do. I accelerate down the street to the house and do a big handbrake skid into the driveway. I slam the front door open and yell out "I'm Home", tromp through the house toward the bedroom as loud as I can, getting undressed while I'm walking and singing outloud whatever tune I can think of. I go to the bathroom next to our bedroom, piss right in the water, fart, burp and flush with the seat up.

Then I walk into the bedroom, slap her on the arse and yell out, "Babe, how bout a bit?"

She pretends to be asleep everytime".

luvdids · Post by **luvdids** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:28 pm

ok, I thought this thread would be a bit

.... Quite surprisingly for me it's been more like

Last couple there was even an audible noise. I'll continue to be an interested onlooker.

Permission to continue

rambopriscilla · Post by **rambopriscilla** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:30 pm

A bloke walks into a pub with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants, and asks for a beer. The barman tries not to intrude as he pours the beer, but finally he can't can't control himself and he says to the bloke "mate, you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants?"

To which the bloke replies, "yeah, I know, it's driving me nuts".

Buttsy-Bells · Post by **Buttsy-Bells** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:51 pm

At the Pearly Gates there are two queues. One for men who have been henpecked by their wives throughout their life - its 200 metres long.

The other queue for men who had not been henpecked - there was one bloke standing in it. St. Peter approached him and said "This is very unusual Sir, why are you standing in this queue ?"

He said "Because my wife told me to"

Buttsy-Bells · Post by **Buttsy-Bells** » Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:29 pm

What are the five most useless things in the world ??

The Pope's balls and three cheers for the umpire !!

Buttsy-Bells · Post by **Buttsy-Bells** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:29 pm

Bloke applies for a position as a blacksmith. During the interview he is asked "Have you had any experience at shoeing horses ?"

"No, but I once told a donkey to f&%k off!!"

5150 · Post by **5150** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:53 pm

A polar bear and his cub were walking in the snow and the cub asks "Dad, a you sure I'm a polar bear?" and the father says "Of course your a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, we're all polar bears"

As they walk a little further, the cub asks "Dad, are you sure we're not brown bears?" The father says "Son your a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, we're all polar bears"

As they walk a little further, it starts to get a little colder and the cub asks "Dad, are you sure we're not black bears?" to which the father replies angerly " Son, your a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, we're all polar bears. Why do you keep asking?"

And the cub replies "cause I'm f**king freezing"

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Jokes Jokes and More Jokes