Brendan Meets The Bingles

[bellastar]

I know its not really Collingwood-related, but its a story I wrote during the fires. And besides, anything that sticks it up Carlton's arse is alright by me!

Brendan Meets The Bingles

A Short Story

By Bellastar

"Oh, Mum, you're just going to love him!" cooed Lara, setting the table, whilst Mum passed her a handful of forks.

"I'm sure he's nice, dear," said Mrs Bingle, laying out the knives. "But the thing is we don't know an awful lot about this bloke."

"Look, he really is a top bloke, Mum," assured Lara. "He has a good job, earns heaps and is totally hot! (Excuse me while I vomit in my mouth......)

"Well, if you say so, Sweetie," replied Mrs Bingle, with a small laugh.

*******************

"I hope this bloke treats our little Lara well," said Mr Bingle, a little fearful of the prospect. "If he doesn't, he won't know what bloody hit him!"

"Now relax," soothed Mrs Bingle. "I'm sure after many less than favourable married suitors, Lara would've picked a nice young lad this time." (WRONG!)

Then, right on cue, the door wrapped with a knock from a visitor. "That'll be him!" squealed Lara, in excitement.

Mr Bingle caught sight of Lara's outfit for the evening. "Um, is that what you're wearing to dinner tonight, Darling?" said Mr Bingle, rather uncomfortably.

"Yeah, don't you just love it!?" trilled Lara. She then sashayed around the lounge in her rather slutty little baby pink dress with matching heels. "Isn't it just gorgeous?"

"Er, yeah it is," murmurmed Mr Bingle. "But it is a little nippy outside. Maybe you should put on a cardie or something, hey Love?"

"Oh, Dad!" laughed Lara, brushing him off. She then went to answer the door. She greeted her suitor for the evening with a kiss and a giggle, then brought him inside. Mr and Mrs Bingle waited with giddy anticipation.

"Mum, Dad.............I would like you to meet.........Brendan Fevola."

Mr and Mrs Bingle looked at Brendan in sheer horror. At that very moment, all high expectations for Lara went right out the window.

*******************************

He was dressed in a rather unkempt fashion, with dirty jeans and a t-shirt covered in suspicions red stains. Brendan also reeked of a mix of Pure Blonde beer and Bundy rum. Basically, he looked like a cross between something out of Planet of the Apes and a homeless bum. (Which is rather offensive..........to the homeless bums to be compared to Brendan.)

"Um, hello Brendan," greeted Mrs Bingle, cautiously putting out her hand to shake his. She really didn't want to hug him.

"Wow, you look really hot tonight, Mrs Bingle!" exclaimed Brendan, in his rather thick woggy accent. He then grabbed Mrs Bingle's hand and proceeded to lick each of her fingers in a lascivious manner. Mrs Bingle was shocked, trying desperately to release her hand. (......Before she caught something.)

Mr Bingle, fuming, quickly came to her rescue, stepping inbetween Mrs Bingle and Brendan. "Hi, Brendan, I'm Mr Bingle, Lara's father and married to her mother," he introduced himself, sternly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever Mate," mumbled Brendan. He walked away rudely, not even shaking Mr Bingle's hand.

"So, what's for dinner?" slurred Brendan, having a good scratch of his nuts Mr and Mrs Bingle gagged. (Do you really want to shake his hand now?)

"Um, well, there's a roast in the oven, along with some veggies on the grill," replied Mrs Bingle.

"Good, just bring it here when its ready," said Brendan, already making himself at home on the couch. With a stubby in his hand that had strangely come out of nowhere. (Surprise, surprise.)

Mr and Mrs Bingle were sppechless.

"Isn't he just great?" sighed Lara, dreamily.

Mr and Mrs Bingle were still speechless. It was going to be a long night.

"How did he get into my stubby stash?" whispered Mr Bingle to Mrs Bingle, bewildered.

**************************************

"I'm so scared for Lara," worried Mrs Bingle, serving up dinner on clean white plates. "Why couldn't she just find a nice boy, is that so hard!?"

"I'm going out there right now! I'm gonna kick that dumb arse of his, especially for getting into my beer!" huffed Mr Bingle, heading for the shotgun cabinet.

"No!" stopped Mrs Bingle. "Lets just get through tonight, okay? Besides, Lara will hate us if we ruin the night for her.

Mr Bingle sighed gruffly. Unfortunately, he was just going to have to put up and shut up tonight.

**************************************

Everyone was now eating dinner, conversing in happy and light-hearted banter. Okay, that was a lie. It was more like Mr and Mrs Bingle forcing smiles while frozen in terror, whilst Brendan laughed about smashing some 'leprechaun dude's' head in, with Lara staring on adoringly.

"........So, I grabbed the f--ker and smashed his f--king head in!" guffawed Brendan. He then started to s--t himself laughing.

Mr and Mrs Bingle stayed silent, while Lara laughed along with Dickwit. The subject needed to be changed immediately.

"Um, so Brendan," began Mrs Bingle. "I hear you play for Carlton Football Club."

"Hmm...." murmured Brendan, shovelling food in his mouth, like a horse from a trough.

"So, what's that like?"

"S--t." (Duh.)

The conversation came to a dead end there. Mr and Mrs Bingle looked at one another with stony glances. Not only were they not impressed with their daughter bringing home a complete knob, but more so a complete knob who played for Carlton! (Shudder....) Cold chills ran up and down their spines at the thought of it. (You and me both.)

"Actually, there was something I was gonna ask youse two," spoke Brendan, between mouthfuls.

"Um, ask away," replied Mrs Bingle, cautiously.

"Well, the thing is.......Do you think I could, y'know.........root your daughter, huh?"

Mr and Mrs Bingle were agog with horror. "Oh, isn't that sweet?!" cooed Lara, the ditzy bitch. "Mum, Dad, what do you say?"

That was it. Mr and Mrs Bingle had had enough. Time to take out the drunken Carlton trash. (FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!)

"That's it!" yelled Mr Bingle. "You have offended us long enough! Not only do you steal my beer, you claim to want to have relations with my daughter! No bloody way! How dare you ask such a thing?"

Brendan froze. That old bastard was cruising for a bruising! "Fine, I'll have you, mate!" he huffed.

Then, just as Brendan was going to hit yet another person in his lifetime............

"So this is where you are! You lying p--ck!"

Everyone turned around. Standing at the dining room door was Alex. You know, Brendan's wife; the woman he's actually meant to be with? With her were a baby in one arm and a little girl holding her other hand.

"Oh shit." Brendan had been caught out.

"Where have you been!? Screwing behind my back, that's where!" screamed Alex. She then stormed over and grabbed Brendan by his nuts, and started to drag him out of the Bingles' door.
"Oh, and I sincerely apologise for my dickwit husband's behaviour," deadpanned Alex. "Goodnight." She then left with her kids and her soon-to-be ex-husband by his nuts.

Mr and Mrs Bingle stared in disbelief at the spectacle they had just witnessed. Lara burst into tears and ran to her room.

"Well, that went well. We got rid of him eventually," shrugged Mr Bingle. He then went to the shed to fetch a beer from his secret stash, leaving Mrs Bingle still staring in disbelief.

As far as family dinners go, that was obviously the most inane, most banal, most horrifying and traumatising ever in the history of family dinners. But, thankfully, it was all over now. Mr and Mrs Bingle weren't going to have a sleaze for a son-in-law, Lara wasn't being infected with Carlton cooties; and The Fev was most likely being castrated by his soon-to-be-ex wife.

A good night had by all!

*************************************************

It had been a few weeks since the f--ked-up family dinner with The Fev. Lara had finally gotten over the knob and had decided that home-wrecking wasn't for her.

"Hey, Mum!" trilled Lara, excitedly.

"What's going on, Sweetie?" asked Mum.

"I've met someone new!"

"Who?" asked Mr Bingle. Mr Bingle, who was sitting on the couch, also leaned in closer for a better listen. "Who is he, love"

"Ben Cousins!"

Mrs Bingle froze in absolute horror. Mr Bingle headed for his shotgun cabinet.

He better hide his beer stash while he's at it, too.



The End!

[luvlicca]

hahaha!! cracker mate!! I could totally see my dad bringing out the shot gun if i ever bought those dunces home!!!! not that i ever would, i have class!!!! oh and i would totally bring home a pies boy!!!

[magpiesgirl]

Dude your Dad will still being a shotty out if you brought home a pies boy LOL

[luvlicca]

True that!!!