Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[think positive]

lol!




When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello..'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an a**hole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
With the word 'a**hole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an a**hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an a**hole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first a**hole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an a**hole!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two a**holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called a**hole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'A**hole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,'
And hung up.

Then I called A**hole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, a**hole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your a**'

I answered,
'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two a**holes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[eddiesmith]

Both $�$%^%%$ brilliant

[Culprit]

A man called his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go on a fishing trip with the Boss. I will be gone a week, can you you pack my fishing tackle box and my blue velvet PJs please". His wife thought it was weird but thought no worries. She packed everything and he went away and came back a week later. She asked how it went. He responded, "Great time caught heaps of fish". by the way what happened to my PJs?" She replied, "Oh I packed those in your fishing tackle box".

[Culprit]

Boss to the employee, “I expect you not to discuss your pay rise with anyone”. Employee, “Don’t worry I’m as embarrassed as you are”.

A husband and wife were watching a boxing match. Boxer was KO in under a minute and the husband said, “That was boring, he didn’t even last a minute” The Wife responded, “Now you know how I feel”.

[Culprit]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am? “
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[Culprit]

A reporter sitting next to an old guy and his wife asked him what’s the key to their successful 60-year marriage. The old guy says, “Well a long time ago we were riding horses and the horse threw her off. She dusted herself off looked at the horse, and said That’s one”. Then the horse threw her off again and she got up looked at the horse and said, “That’s two”. She got back on and the horse threw her off again she dusted herself off once again looked at the horse and said, “Right that’s three”. She then pulled a gun and shot the horse dead. I did my nut, screaming at her I said to her “wtf did you do that for?”. She looked at me and said, “That’s One”.

[stui magpie]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger asks, “Who?”
The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife

[Skids]

Thaaaaa's gold Stui!

A nice 6am chuckle before we head to the airport... Gold Coast, here we come!

[think positive]

hehehe!!! love it!

[Culprit]

Did my first nude painting this morning. The neighbors weren’t impressed but the front door looks great.

Question to all men. Suppose you had to choose between a really wonderful wife and a really nice car. What would you choose? Petrol, Diesel or EV?