Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

^

Hah.

I asked the wife last night if I was the only one she'd been with.

She said "yes", then added, "All the rest were at least 7's"

[Culprit]

The Wife and I tried to spruce things up so she dressed up as a policewoman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

[stui magpie]

^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRhx6UwuwVM

[Culprit]

^Classic KBW

[pietillidie]

A slice of apple pie costs $4 in Barbados. The same slice of apple pie costs $5 in Jamaica, and $3 in Trinidad and Tobago.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

[think positive]

^

Hah.

I asked the wife last night if I was the only one she'd been with.

She said "yes", then added, "All the rest were at least 7's"

hehehehe!!

[stui magpie]

Pinched from Facebook.

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops an old Harley rider for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:
He asks the old biker his name.
“Fred.” He replies.
“Fred what?” The officer asks.
“Just Fred.” The old man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

[stui magpie]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
“At school.” The Robot slaps the son.
“Ouch! Okay, I was at a friends house.”
“What were you doing?”
“We were watching Kung Fu Panda.” The Robot slaps the son.
“Hey! All right, it was a porn film.”
“What?” says the dad, “Why, I didn’t even know what porn was when I was your age!”
The Robot slaps the dad.
“He’s certainly your son, all right,” says the mom.
The Robot slaps the mom.

[stui magpie]

[Culprit]

^^

[Culprit]

My Mate's wife phoned him, "You bastard, I know you are seeing another woman. I am packing my bags and heading to my Sisters". He replied, "OK, see you when you get here".

A woman was talking to her close friend and said to her, “I want to remarry my ex”. Her friend says, “Are you crazy, you hate him”. She replies, “Yes, but he’s been so happy since we divorced, I can’t stand it”.

I got thrown out of the Doctors office today because the Mrs had to get her throat swabbed. The Nurse told her she may gag. I responded with, “She won’t “.

[think positive]

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

[stui magpie]

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[stui magpie]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

[stui magpie]

Hmmm, some of the copy and paste jokes have gone. Ah well. this is pincvhed from Billy Brownless.

So, I went to see a Wizard the other day and asked if he could remove a curese that a priest put on me many years ago.

Maybe, said the Wizard, Do you remember the exact wording of the curse?

Yep, I said, it was "I now pronounce you husband and wife"